This post will be different from my previous post. I realize that I’m going to have moments or days where I break down, but they will not break me. As I sat with my friend, Kandi at my infusion appointment I felt grateful that I have people who not only take me to my appointments, but who stay. It’s a long process.
First I have labs where I get to pee in a cup and I always have this fear that I’m going to piss all over myself and my pants. Then an IV is put in my arm or hand, wherever the nurse can find a vein. As much as I hated this last one because she had to go through the side of my wrist (this one hurts like a MOFO). There is no other way to describe it. She wasn’t able to take blood, so she had to stick me on the other arm, the one that’s all bruised. It’s kind of surreal that this my life now every two weeks, but I thought, this is helping me live. This nurse who I wanted to punch as my initial reaction to the pain. I don’t usually have violent tendencies towards others, but given the circumstance, I’m sure many would feel as I did. I chose to keep breathing and made small talk with her.
I realize that she is there for me and the hundreds of patients she will see this week. I am fortunate that I have other good veins because chemo wreaks havoc on the veins.
Here some other silver linings I add to my list:
Since my joints hurt from the Avastin, I have a toilet seat riser. This means I don’t have to share MY bathroom with anyone else! Woohoo! I also have to walk upstairs every time I need to go, which keeps me up and moving, so that I don’t get blood clots and keeps me a little more active.
I get very tired and it can come on very spontaneously. I get up at 6 AM with the kids and sometimes go back to bed after they leave for school or take a nap at 9 AM, 2 PM, 4 PM and I don’t feel the least bit guilty about that. I am very fortunate that I get to do that.
I have the money to try acupuncture because it isn’t covered under our health insurance plan.
Super warm blankets that feel like they just came out of the dryer at the infusion center.
We have health insurance.
I have multiple friends who will go to the store for me when I’ve run out of something or offer to pick things up.
My kids are old enough to cook and take care of themselves when I’m tired or feeling rough. I cannot imagine how one deals with this when they have very young children. I have so much respect for those that do and that goes for any illness.
When I forget about something, it’s legit. Or is it…..mwahahahahaha!
Even though this is a horrible diagnosis, there continues to be so much research and I’m grateful for the online group I belong to. While everyone is different, it’s a great resource to ask and answer questions.
I’m not vain and it’s a good thing because I would have had a hard time grasping the moon face, thick swollen neck, baldness, and cannot tweeze my eyebrows because it makes the area bleed. You have to try to avoid bleeding as much as possible. That’s one less thing to do and you’ll all know when you see me with werewolf brows soon.
I have a cousin who has been a constant in helping me figure things out, supports me, advises me and loves me so much.
I have husband who works very hard to provide for our family and that includes that health insurance. He travels every week and then comes home to take care of the many things I cannot do.
I have a wonderful family. I love them all so much.
I have amazing friends all over the world.
I am loved!
I’m able to see so many positives in my life. This is just the short list. No matter how dire a situation looks, I feel like God continues to show me how much he loves me.