What do I mean by this title? Well, I am a strong willed person, once I set out to do something, I will not back down. I am willing to compromise sometimes, but I am not a strong person per se. Heck, I’m not even allowed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk right now. I sort of do what I have to do when met with adversity or loss. I think most of us are like that. I don’t think of myself as special or stronger than anyone else who faces the same challenges.
I am not brave. Okay, in life I take some very big chances to get what I want, but that isn’t bravery, that’s usually me just being naive. I remember the very first time I got up on stage to perform comedy, I suspected I needed a restroom close by, but I wasn’t sure for what end. My stomach was in so many knots and was making this horrific noise. But, you do things like that when you are young. I’m a dreamer, so bravery doesn’t really fit that profile.
I don’t really like either of these terms associated with fighting an illness and I’ve taken some time to figure out why I don’t like them. It makes me think of others who have had cancer or other various illnesses and have passed away and I think it doesn’t really come down to these two things. It’s not like someone lost their life because they weren’t brave enough or strong enough. Sometimes the body just knows when it has had enough or the person knows when it’s enough.
I have already told friends and family that if this brain tumor takes me out, then no one better say, “she lost her battle with cancer”. First, I won’t have lost anything. I am strong in my faith, so I have much to gain and it will only be the beginning of what I am promised. Second, the more weeks that go by, I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not at war or battle with my body. I’m trying to heal. I am trying to learn to embrace my cancer because it’s here and it showed up for a reason. I have no idea what caused this, perhaps toxins, stress, lifestyle, I don’t know and at this point it doesn’t really matter because no one seems to know so I can wrack my brain day and night, but what a waste of time. Plus, I only have so much brain power, I would rather use the power for better things like binge watching Netflix, reading, writing, researching, editing and conversing with family and friends. Oh, and my newest endeavor; learning to play the ukulele.
All I know is that I have lived a happier life since my diagnosis because I let a lot of B.S. go and I don’t feel guilty about things. If I feel like hanging out with people then I do. If I’m not feeling up to visiting, then I don’t. I let go of the things that do not matter and trust me we ALL have those lists. I’m working on a few passion projects that I am eager to get underway because I hope that my purpose through this disease will let me bring something positive and joyful into the lives of others. So, there you have it folks; I dream and wish.